Boston College ACF

It’s not about the money, money, money

19  “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust[e] destroy and where thieves break in and steal, 20  but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. – Mt 6:19-21

5  “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
.. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. – Mt: 6:25,33
 

Those of us who have grown up in the church are all too familiar with these verses. I sure am. I remember growing up, whenever people asked me what I would do with money if I won the lottery… I would think to myself, “What WOULD I do with all that money? I definitely don’t need that for myself. I guess I’d just give it to someone that does… the homeless people? UNICEF? Something like that.” But I would never say it because I didn’t want people to judge me and say that’s not how I really felt.

But actually, growing up in a middle-class suburban neighborhood really does put your thoughts about financial stability at ease. Although my parents were definitely by no means well off …they’ve faced financial issues in the past and currently still, they did (and still do) everything in their power to give my sister and me “normal” lives. Of course, my mom the typical Asian mother things like train me to shop in the clearance section of stores… but my parents made sure my sister and I never felt the strain of money directly in our lives by the things they chose to invest their money in (our family particularly focuses on investing in the food. My parents figured eating like royalty would distract us from noticing losses in other areas HAHA)

Coming to college was a big shock to me, someone who had never really known the value of money. I started to get a glimpse of how expensive my schooling was and how hard my parents had to work to send me there. Even so, my parents hired a man to figure out my financial aid work because they did not want me to worry about finances and have that distract me from my studies. Coming to BC, I demanded to do my own FAFSA work and finally realized how much my parents were struggling due to my school expenses.

I was shocked and upset that my parents had never made me work harder (academically and work to make money) or brought to my attention how difficult it was to send me to school. But I was also filled with an overwhelming sense of love and blessing.

Thinking about my parents’ struggles, I was determined to work harder at getting the most out of BC and also work more hours in order to live financially independent from my parents as much as possible. Junior year was especially difficult because I took on an extra class and also worked every chance I got to. I told myself I was still getting to most out of BC because I was working very hard and being busy all the time was good.

Being on Core this year, I’ve been challenged in the way I spend my time. I still have the tendency to lean towards filling my schedule with things I need to do, because planning ahead eases my anxiousness! But watching my friends in Core devote time in their various ways- eating regular meals with their roommates, taking an hour alone for reflection and conversation with God, opening up homes for freshmen, etc…. made me constantly look back to my own schedule and see where I had made time for God, where I had made time for others.

I used to think that as long as I left a little space in my schedule and filled it up with people, that I was still “making time to love others” but I realized that sometimes that too can be selfish if I’m not willing to bend my schedule at all- ever.

Sometimes growing up stinks- because there is that tendency to “create” your own self… you know what’s good, what’s desirable, what other people expect/want from you, so you just do it. But these passages in Matthew remind me of a time where my desires to give generously were uninhibited by my own schedule and my own desires… but a simple recognition that my needs are met on a daily basis, why do I need all that money?

It’s harder for me to think like that now, especially because I DO need to constantly be making money- and I’m not a child anymore that can ask mom and dad for money. In fact, growing up has shown me that mom and dad are just people that have their own troubles too. But Jesus wasn’t preaching to children here, he was preaching to adults. Adults with real world problems! And Jesus reassures them to be confident in his providence! So today I am reminded that no matter how BIG and HEAVY the struggle of anxiety and money may be…to trust in his providence and his love :) Happy Monday everyone!

- Susan

   
PS this is something I feel that God has blessed me with- and something that I could have only invested by letting go of my obsession with full schedules and working as much as possible: my krup small group from last year <3 
                                                                                                                              

Must always remember…

This past Monday, I was reading Ezekiel with Lucilla my mentee and we came upon this chapter of the book where God was portraying Jerusalem as an adulterous wife. In this account, the woman was thrown out from birth and no one had pity on or compassion for her. No one looked out for her but God took care of her and was there for her in every difficult part of her life. But then she forgets all the graces God has bestowed upon her and strays away from God. So God tells her how she has forgotten her youth when He took care of her. 

This just reminded me of all the graces God has bestowed upon my life and once again thought of how often times I forget about them and just live life as if they didn’t happen. I just realized once again that I need to constantly remind myself of all the blessings I received. Even all the prayers answered… me being able to attend BC my freshmen year and then again my sophomore year and then up until now my senior year… 

But yeah, I’m so thankful for so many things and I also realized few days ago that even if I might not have faith in myself at times, that God has faith in me and that He loves me the way I am at all times. As long as I have faith in Him and have my full trust in Him, there is no reason to be anxious about anything. 

I’m also thankful for the courage He is giving me to post on this blog—> it’s so delayed because I think I have problems with being vulnerable that I have a hard time posting on a public blog. I write a lot of journal and reflection on my laptop but haven’t posted on this blog for a while because of the vulnerability problem. 

Well, thanks to God for the courage, thanks to CORE for being so patient with me, and thanks to Dasom for challenging me to push myself. 

Hope you all get to spend some time reflecting and thinking upon the things God has done in/through your lives so far and also get to look forward to what He has in store for you! God Loves You! <3

— Sarang :) 

a work in progress

“Are you O.K.?”
“Yeah, I am. Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know… it just seems like you’re not.”

His neck was covered in splotches of red, his eyes red and puffy from the harsh wind.  Staring at his face, I thought, “whoa.. when did I start caring about him.. about anyone?!”  All my life I always believed that human companionship was something I was not interested in.  Friends?  Who needs friends?  All they ever do is leave you or hurt you.. BETRAY YOU!!! There’s no need for them.  They just take up space in your life and make it harder for you to live because you have to care for them, love them.. so needy!  Or at least that’s what I had always believed in.  There are times when I am tempted to go back to my old mentality of thinking humans are pathetic, weak, and worthless.  
But when I met my friend, my mentality changed.   Because I believed all humans were worthless, I also believed I was worthless.. that I was unworthy of love.  Since I thought I was undeserving of love, I had no right to seek help or care from someone, I had no right to desire them.  Perhaps, my feelings towards other people came from my initial abhorrence for myself.  Because I didn’t think I deserved to be loved, I never sought people.  Whenever I felt pain, I kept it to myself, suffering and crying alone.  Since I only kept to myself, I never made close friends.  At first, people tried to reach out to me, but eventually they all gave up.  Why try so hard for someone who just doesn’t respond?  But my weird friend here.. he kept coming back, asking me about my day, my life.  I hardly gave a satisfying answer, thinking, “why bother when he’s just gonna leave too?”  He never left.. he always stayed, telling me how his day was.  At first, I thought it was annoying, “why is he telling me about his life?  Why would I care about your life?”  But he just went on, talking about himself and asking about me.  Through this friend, God’s love was finally able to pierce my isolated heart.  

————

Ahh sorry to whoever reads this post.  I just couldn’t continue writing and so I just ended it here.  I apologize for the abrupt end.  But thank you so much for reading!

-DASOM

Into the Darkness You shine

So often when I need help the most, when I need to hear that I am loved that is when I push everything away.  In my distorted, distrustful, confused, critical state encouragements sound like accusations, loving wise words sound like imposition to my freedom, and kindness sound like pity.  My grief and my pride mix together creating a veil of hazy fog, where human figures look like shadows in the mist.  My defenses go up, my passions rule, and I can’t handle what I normally would consider beautiful. 

How fragile it is to be human, to choose to cling to blindness though darkness is the cause of my pain.  And the funny thing is I will blame everything and everyone else for my state of distraught, not myself.  Because if I honestly, with the same cold critical eye, look at myself I’m afraid I will hate the monster I find hiding in the fog.  And that is really painful. It hurts feeling hated.

I reflect on those moments in my life, when I live as if I am not beloved.  They happen and often more frequently then I would desire or admit.  Because Jesus over and over again I fall for that lie, the lie the Serpent told Eve in the Eden “Eat this and you will be like God”. She forgets that God had already created her in His image.  The classic lie:  You are not good enough and never will be. And I lose hope. 

But my dearest God, thank you that there is always a BUT and a However created from the full expression of Love in Jesus.  The reality of love, that bright sunlight breaks in through my fog and those warm powerful rays melt my heart of steel.  In fact it’s painful and scary because the sunlight might reveal me for what I think i am, something dark and hideous.  But what You reveal is not a monster, something without worth, but a battered beautiful heart still longing, desiring, thirsty for love.  And You envelope me in your love and friendship.  And I start to think differently, feel differently, and I believe that “me” this beloved creation of yours can embrace and give love rather then push it away.

This entry is from my journal from Sophomore Year.  The post is a little vague, because I can’t remember exactly what event sparked this journal entry.  But it was a time when Jesus reached out to me, during a period when I felt like Bilbo from LOTR when he describes himself as “butter spread over too much bread”.  Well that’s it for this post. Just wanted to share one of the conversations that we (I and Jesus) treasure.

~Connie

God in the head, but not in the heart

i hate theology. that statement probably needs to be prefaced by some bit of clarification. in actuality, i can’t get enough of it. there is so much about theology, or literally “the study of God,” that is extremely captivating for me. perhaps it is the fact that i am engaging in the study of a thing/idea/being to which no definite statement can be attached to highlight its true intended worth. another reason why i like the subject so much is because there is always a new view or stance to be learned, a new facet of man’s interpretation of God that has never quite been presented in the way that it is now.

and it is precisely for those same two reasons, just to name a few, that i simultaneously abhor it at times. the more knowledgeable i get about “knowing God” and the better versed i become in articulating matters concerning Him, the bigger my head gets. i begin telling myself that i am getting closer to God than before, and my pride swells to the point where anyone who doesn’t “see the light” of my observations is subconsciously set below me. of equal repulsiveness, those who are more “enlightened” than myself are often seen as merely benchmarks for me to strive towards and one day surpass. it’s a love/hate relationship at many times, and it exposes the hideousness of the sin within.

sooner or later though, one way or another, i am given a hearty slice of humble pie to remind me that i actually don’t know very much. lately i’ve been learning that those who only know God in the head but not in the heart have very little to say about who He really is to them, apart from what all the textbooks and religious documents tell them is truth. such people may have a lot of head knowledge concerning God and all that He entails, but of the wonder and awe that resides in the heart of those who genuinely seek the Lord for the sake of Love, much is left absent and to be desired. does this description sound familiar? it should, because this was the exact same mold that the pharisees filled in, and it was against such individuals that jesus brought down the harshest of rebukes upon. although they knew the law inside-out and were known as the religious officials of their time for their intellect, they loved little. i will go so far as to say that if there is only a thirst for knowing God that is separate from loving others, a desire that produces greater knowledge of God, then the former is utterly useless.

“what are you man if you do not learn love?”

not only do people get into arguments with one another over matters of differing perspectives pertaining to God, but in many parts of the world people fight and kill each other over such disputes. holy wars among distinct religions. sectarian violence that ravages a nation from within. dissension between or within denominational camps that literally tear apart the church. when does it end?

it occurred to me one day that God must have quite a laugh observing us, His beloveds, as we go about our daily activities and conversations. i’m curious to know what he thinks when he sees us bickering and fighting over who knows the most about God and His nature, down to the most precise and exact conclusions. who are you, man, that you should speak of God the Almighty with perfect knowledge? it’s a silly game we play when creation attempts to assume the role of Creator.

seek God in all things, and i am sure that it will be undeniable in your findings that at the core, God is love to an extent and fullness of which we cannot comprehend. all other matters are subsidiary in scope, and it’s not worth ripping to shreds the bond that connects us all to one another; that is, the common image and love of God that permeates through all strife, that penetrates past all boundaries.

if i ever end up earning a doctorate in theology, by far my most popular and frequent prescription will be to daydream about God as often as our childlike minds allow. knowing the Truth that God is Love will direct the heart, and it is this intimate knowledge that will ultimately set you free.

-clement 

future longings

maybe the peculiar winter weather is to blame, but over the past few days i came down with a nasty flu/cold. getting sick at home is tons better than getting sick at school though, because here i can sleep like a sloth and eat like a whale to give my body the time and rest it needs to get better. the downside to getting sick, of course, is that you’re not quite yourself, and it has been fascinating to see what happens!

most of the changes are physical, such as not being able to breathe, having copious amounts of mucus and phlegm, and involuntary yet occasionally violent coughing fits. the most interesting effect that i noticed, though, is that i’ve lost any and all ability to taste what i’m eating. it’s as if my taste buds either got taken away or don’t work anymore. in any case, this is probably one of the worst things that could happen, unless you don’t mind eating delicious food that ends up tasting the same as stale bread. ironically, it seems that i’ve gotten hungrier ever since i’ve been sick, so i’m constantly eating but tasting nothing.

as i was eating dinner to celebrate my father’s 56th birthday yesterday, i realized how much i missed the taste of food, especially food that tastes really good. i think i only miss and wish for good tastes because i’ve experienced, in some capacity, what it is like in the past. however, there are some longings that i have that are not based on any past experiences at all, and it got stranger the longer i thought about it. the first time i expressed the sentiment of missing anybody came when i realized i wasn’t too fond of the feeling of being separated from somebody, though i’m sure i never felt that way before. i have this drive to provide for a family of my own in the future, a passion that stems from only an observation of how my father does so for his own family. love that makes me long to be with her rather than without her, even through the toughest of times, comes from a place of familiarity that i know not of.

and then there is the spiritual. i don’t recall ever being in perfect peace before, but still that seems to be my most recurring prayer, regardless of the spiritual season i may be in. i don’t believe i’ve ever been with God completely and fully, but somehow i can’t think of any other place that would be more wonderful. i may have never before had concrete experiences from where to draw these dreams, but they manage to reveal a part of the heart that i believe is worth inquiring, and resting, in.

this post has more questions than answers, but i hope you can relate to it in one way or another. once classes start up again, my thoughts will be more organized and hopefully less jumbled. 

my lovely sister and i at the tree at rockefeller center, before i got destroyed by germs.

lazy winter

Maybe it’s the cold weather. Maybe it’s the academic stress from the semester. Maybe it’s the relief and the excitement of being home.

Whatever it is…. Something about being home makes me soooo freaking lazy!!

After a thoroughly exhausting semester, I was sooo excited to come home. For a week straight, all I did was stay home- eat sleep eat sleep. I know that’s what most people enjoy most about home… but I wasn’t always like this!!

Freshman year, I always looked forward to going home so I could play with my home-friends. Although I missed my college friends, something about being home was so comforting and exciting at the same time. This semester, I still looked forward to going home… but mostly because I missed my family and desperately wanted to be lazy and comfortable again.

I tend to be on the extreme side. At school, I like to occupy myself with a packed schedule and tons of things to do. At home, I take on maybe one task a day (i.e. getting a haircut) and the rest of the day just…goes by. My days kind of blend together because they’re pretty uneventful… meals are the only certain happenings of each day. I never feel the need to plan much further than my next task of the day. It is THE LIFE!

On the other hand, my spiritual discipline has a tendency to spiral downwards really quickly when I go into hibernation mode. Sometimes, it completely dissipates! When I’m at school, I don’t have a problem incorporating prayer and QTs into my daily schedule…because I actually have a schedule. I used to think that going home was a perfect excuse for me to forget about everything school related and not doing anything productive. Unfortunately, time for Jesus was included in that.

Over the years, I’ve found different ways to still prioritize my time for Jesus naturally into a different context and through different means. At home, I’m constantly challenged to love my family in a gentle, forgiving, and unconditional way. I’m also challenged when I meet with my friends who have had very different college experiences than I have. At times it’s uncomfortable and weird, but other times it’s encouraging and nice….but it’s a really different experience to try to carry out what I’ve learned at BC with non-BC friends.

At BC we always talk about “intentional” with people- and that’s normal. But being “intentional” with my friends at home felt really awkward at first…
Especially because non-BC lunches/dinners are so different! At first, I felt self-conscious that my friends might think it’s weird that I was talking/acting different. In actuality, I found that most of my friends were very receptive to my openness and interest towards them and their lives. I particularly learn a lot from and enjoy conversations about relationships. With my Christian friends as well as non-Christian friends, I’m always interested in how people make and maintain relationships. For me, describing Christianity as a relationship with Jesus is the easiest and the most effective way of talking about my faith… and most people are pretty eager to talk about their friends/significant others. So it’s a great conversation topic!  Religion isn’t a total “hot topic” for most college students… but there’s always a more relatable, non-intimidating way that you can bring it up.

PS it took me an entire week to finish this blog entry that I started. I wrote one sentence and saved it under drafts….. and went back to it every couple days and It took me this long -_- This is what break does to me! I finally was a little productive today and ordered some books online to read during the remainder of my break :) teehee  

 
12/25 SECRET SANTA: on the left, two of my church girls. on the right, my cousin and sister. 

intentionality

in an effort to add to an ever expanding catalogue of skill and prowess, i attended a zumba class yesterday with a few friends. for those who are unaware, zumba is a dance fitness program that combines high intensity dance moves to the beat of latin-based songs to result in one heck of a workout. it just so happens that bc offers such classes, free of charge, on a scheduled basis in the lovely flynn recreation complex. ask me about it and we’ll talk.

to get things straight: i am no dancer. there is a reason why the dance groups of boston college are not graced with this enchanting figure. since i am naturally left-handed, i will say that i have two right feet when it comes to dancing. however, after partaking in the experience of rhicter scale inducing hip gyrations and (perhaps overly) enthusiastic salsa shimmies, i realized that it is all about intentionality.

it’s never easy trying new things, but it strikes me as particularly humbling when i think that i would not be where and who i am today if it were not for taking risks. though i may not have known it fully at the time of my application to bc 3+ years ago, i had the intention of growing. i truly do believe that everything has the potential to be informative and beneficial towards our insatiable capacity to grow and learn, and it is with this thought that i want to spur you on as you face upcoming decisions that need to be made. the road of familiarity and convenience is comfortable, but as the saying goes in regards to doing things we’re not usually accustomed to or good at: you never know until you try.

the following quote is attributed to albert einstein: “insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” well, mr. einstein, i’d have to say that i think there is a lot of value in perseverance and risk taking. i’m not saying that people should blindly act without evaluating the aftermath and seeing what changes need to be made. what i am suggesting is that people should take risks that challenge and stretch the character. no matter how things turn out, if there is peace in your soul, i think that is a pretty genuine marker of the “right” choice that was made.

of course this theme is so general that it can apply to almost anybody, and i intend to keep it that way. somehow and in some capacity, i hope this speaks to you and that it is informative, even if only just a little, of some scenarios you may find yourself in. going out to an event you don’t know many people in. meeting up and getting to know that person you’ve been shafting since the beginning of the school year. finding rest instead of running around headless trying to save the world. seeking God in the everyday and “mundane” rather than exclusively in the charismatic and extravagant. whatever you choose, i believe it’s all about intentionality, and that is ultimately what reveals the desires of your heart. you may fail and get hurt, but no champion was ever made in the absence of adversity. seldom is the end result as important as the actual journey that leads to it. take a chance!

“as water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart.” -proverbs 27:19

love,
clement

Wanting What You’ve Got

“A good hockey player plays where the puck is. A great hockey player plays where the puck is going to be.” - Wayne Gretzky

What motivates you? Is it a desire to be accepted by others? A desire to please your parents and live up to their expectations? A desire to better yourself? A desire to prove your doubters wrong? A desire to be known? A desire to be rich? A desire to feel significant? A desire to be like somebody else? Some of us may identify strongly with one of those while others may feel a mix of several. In any case though, it is our desire to be somebody tomorrow that defines who we are today.

Like many boys, video games were an integral part of my childhood and as a child, I wanted to be the best. The first time I played Super Smash Brothers (on N64, the greatest console ever), I was creamed. Immediately after though, I desired to be the best. My parents only allowed video games on the weekends and so every Saturday, I’d wake up at the crack of dawn to squeeze in as many games as possible. I completed the game with every single character multiple times ensuring my game was well-rounded and after hours upon hours of play, I achieved my goal. Gratifying as that was though, looking back now, it was the process that I treasure more today than the actual achievement itself.

Planning and goal-setting are critical parts of my personality that I’ve developed since coming to college and it’s undoubtedly led me to where I am today. Starting and finishing early, getting to places on time, seeing a process from beginning to end, and accomplishing something are traits that define who I am. Hard work is one of my biggest values and a value that I often measure people against. Starting from high school, the future and where you want to be often becomes a person’s biggest focus. Prestigious colleges, well-paying jobs, brand-name graduate schools, families, paying for your kids’ college education, and retirement are some of the many focuses that drive our behaviors and actions today. My time at Boston College has certainly reflected that kind of mindset and I foresee that continuing well beyond my college years. That being said though, there have been many times when I’ve lost sight of why I do what I do.

I’ve realized only recently that if my only focus is on the future, how will I ever be able to enjoy this life that I’ve been given and all the joys that come with it? Once I achieve something, I often find myself setting a new goal leaving little time to enjoy the fruits of what I’ve just achieved. My work in high school was oriented towards securing a spot at a great college but once I got there, my attention, from the very first day, shifted to securing a great job. For four years in high school, I had this vision of how great college would be. Once college started though, I spent little time enjoying the fruits of my work from the past four years and began investing once again in another vision of the future.

The phrase “stop and smell the roses” is something I’ve heard many times but only now do I understand what it means. Have I come to the ultimate conclusion that the way to live is to drop everything, be absolutely carefree, and fly by the seat of my pants? Of course not. Rather, you have to walk a fine line between the two extremes. I, and most of my peers, have become excellent at getting what we want and that’s not a bad thing. Our desires are what change the world, both for the good and bad. As we are on the edge of being pushed over into the chaos that is the real world, I’ve never been more convicted that we are the future and will be the change we want to see. However, what we, and especially myself, have to work on now is wanting what we got. God has taught me, surely but slowly, these past three years that with faith in Him, things will turn out just fine and so why not enjoy the journey?

-Nick